Shame of Overwhelm

 I can do it all. I can take it. I can carry this burden. I can find blessing in adversities. 

Although all of these things sound really nice. Like all nice things, they come at a price. Still, I practice looking for "the robins, not the crows."*

I had begun to chase inauthentic targets. I spent my energy recklessly. I woke up one day a few years ago and found that I had lost my path. I was on a path, but I knew it wasn't mine. I was lost.

When I realized how much I spent worrying about chasing the wrong target, I shifted. I went into a chrysalis of isolation.

Even though I was very used to being the center of attention in my personal life (theater kid, and even though I love conferences and learning, I felt like an imposter every time someone paid me a compliment.

I still squirm at and deflect the very thing that I crave from my peers; acceptance. 
(total cringe confession, I literally wrong a poem about wanting to be accepted by my peers - in middle school. )

When I finally felt like I was in a group in which I felt accepted and seen, I felt like an unworthy imposter. I returned to the classroom and decided to dig back into the work that I love.

I'm finally feeling the healing I've so many years building. 

I wonder if part of the reason I went into isolation was that I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it all. I can't take every arrow slung. I can't carry every burden, and I need a breather between long hauls. I had to admit all of that to make space. In that space, I found joy in the process and plenty of practice for self-empathy.

The shame I used to feel is still there, it's just an echo instead of a constant roar. I used to think that healing meant that you were as good as new. I'm learning it's so much more complex and beautiful.

How do you deal with overwhelm?





*Chicago (The musical) reference ;)

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